Grief and loss are funny things. I have heard many times from different people in the last few months, "Nobody really understands." "Nobody gets what I am going through." And to some extent, that's very true. Every relationship is different. Everyone has a unique set of experiences, bonds, regrets, and memories with their loved ones. But at the same time, there are so many things we share when we lose a loved one.
When we lose a child, we lose our future. It's horrible because it's often something we never contemplate occurring in the first place. You aren't supposed to have to bury your baby. The first decisions you make are supposed to be what outfit they are going to wear home from the hospital, not whether you'd prefer that they be buried or cremated. You dream of picking out flowers for your child's wedding, not whether roses or lilies would be better for their funeral. When we lose a child, we lose our hopes and dreams, the aspirations we had for them. We lose all the things we imagined them doing and being. Sometimes we lose the feeling of being a mother or father. We lose friends who can't deal with our new reality.
When we lose a grandparent, we lose the past, an important part of our history. They have watched us grow, shaped our childhood. They have knowledge and wisdom and experiences in the world which disappears with them. They raised our parents. They see us in a different light than the rest of the world does.
When we lose a parent, we lose the past and the future at the same time We lose memories. We lose a huge part of ourselves. We lose our support system, those who know us better than we know ourselves. Often when we lose a parent, our children lose a grandparent. We lose the plans we had for our own children. We lose experiences we wish they could have had together and memories we wanted them to make and share with those around them.
I cannot say for myself the pain we experience when we lose our husband or wife. I don't know how that feels. I do know how it looks. I have seen that deep and horrible pain and sadness over and over for the last few months. I don't know the pain my mom experiences from losing her best friend, from not having her soul mate here to share the world with, her rock to lean on. But I know it's a sorrow so deep and unending that it's hard to bear each day. A pain that won't ever subside. A pain that won't allow her to stop moving or to sit and relax for minute, because in that minute, reality comes rushing back and the pain begins anew.
I saw the same pain in my grandfather's eyes at the hospital while my grandma was in surgery. The shock, the brokenness, the pain of not knowing if she was okay. And now tonight, I know as the end draws near for my grandmother, I will soon see that pain again. The unbearable sorrow of losing someone you've walked with for over sixty years. And I can't imagine his pain. I know it's probably what I see in my mother amplified many times over. My heart aches for him and I can't imagine the depths of sorrow he is feeling in these moments watching his love suffer, yet knowing when her suffering ends, his will begin.
It's so much more difficult to see my loved ones experience their loss. It's harder for me to watch my grandfather hurt than to know my grandma will soon be gone. Maybe that's because I know soon her pain will end and she won't suffer anymore. The pain will be left here, in the hearts of those she leaves behind.
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