This week has been horribly sad. I'm trying my best to put on a happy face, but it's just too hard this week. The holidays are always hard, but this year we're missing two huge pieces of our family. We expected them to be here with us, to share this day. They are gone. The finality of that seems to really have hit home this week.
Over the last few years, the one thing that's really helped me pull through our anniversary and the loss of the twins has been the amazing cards my grandma sent. They were beautiful handwritten cards that mostly just expressed that we know you're hurting, we feel that pain with you, and those baby boys will always be remembered. Until you've lost a child, you really don't quite get how much it means to simply have someone say, Hey, that person that's not here anymore, I remember, and I acknowledge their place in your world and your heart, and I'm sorry you're hurting today. That simple acknowledgement means more than anything in weeks like this. And I know this week, as our anniversary comes, that that card won't be coming in the mail. That breaks my heart.
This year seems to have been filled with more loss than I've experienced in the rest of my life combined. In January I had to make the decision to sell my beloved horse. He was my world outside of my children, but I simply didn't have the time to justify such a huge expense. So I had to let him go. Once I seemed to have finally come to terms with that, we had to put our dog to sleep. It was time, but it still hurt. Then losing my dad in July and my grandma just a few weeks ago are both things I certainly never imagined could have happen this year. And now, our family home, in a few short weeks will belong to someone else. I've truly felt suffocating by the feeling of sadness this week.
I've quit apologizing to people if my reality makes them uncomfortable. My life is crazy and messy and sad right now. Is it difficult? No. It's just what I have. Thankfully I've been blessed with two amazing friends who have held my hand and carried me through every single awful minute of the last year. For that, I'm truly thankful. I could not have made it through this year in one piece without their love and support.
I'm lucky I have a husband who loves me and two beautiful little boys that make me smile every single day, even when they proclaim I'm out of their family.
And tonight, I'm VERY thankful, that one of my best friends is home in her own bed instead of stuck in a hospital! I'm also thankful that her MRI really wasn't lost after all!
Best wishes to everyone this Thanksgiving.
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